Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! Capt. Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long. Lt. Father Francis Mulcahy: Somebody should say something nice about Winchester... [draws a short blank]. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sears catalogue. Curtains. But is it a mistake? You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear! Major Margaret Houlihan: [Opens tent door and throws nighty in Burns' face] *YOU* put on my new nighty! Colonel Henry Blake: [after finding out he signed a medical release for a lamb] I must be going crazy. No, to be fair I have no doubt that he remembers it that way. Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Boy, that sounds tough. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either. We've already had three servers faint from the steam. Paragraph. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, you *have* been tempted. Colonel: Well, I don't like it. Go ahead, Radar. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. Captain B.J. 20, 40... 50. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face! I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. Some guys got it and some guys don't. Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah, youz-you talkin' real good right now. Col. Sherman T. Potter: I couldn't have said it better myself. Sam Pak: I brought it! Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper and Hawkeye are talking during the movie] Will you sirs kindly mind? Some of them will go home. Klinger, cooperate! Incoming wounded, folks. Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well in the first place, is that a brown mustache or are you eating a mouse? Sergeant Luther Rizzo: What? Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Hawkeye: Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon! Capt. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Igor Straminsky: [everybody yells at Igor] I was just trying to be helpful. Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you? I am directly under the brightest one. Sgt. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We haven't got time for that. Aye! Capt. Hawkeye: I rise in defense of the lady. Colonel Henry Blake: All right. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The gravy was better than usual tonight... you could cut it with a fork. B.J. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline? Capt. I'm from Joliet. What good am I now? [examines horn turning it around] It has no mouth piece. You wanna make me? Radar: I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. Came from some lawyers. Hawkeye: On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time. [pours Kwang some whiskey]. Hawkeye: So do I. I don't even know your wife and I miss her. Dance til dawn, give a cheer. Capt. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...! If you're smart, the only physical thing you'll greet Colonel Baldwin with is a handshake. Hawkeye: Who says you're not in shape? Also stupid. Maj. Burns: Oh, no sir, not intentionally. nurse: [worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Could I get a hernia? Capt. Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: I'm General Barker! [on phone] Was anyone hurt? Maj. Winchester: On the sheet, Rizzo. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that. B.J. September 2014. Henry Blake: Oh, yeah? Ma! Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir? Remember when I was a kid, you told me that if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? Cpl. [she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]. Capt. [Waits; fighter jet flies overhead] Now! Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well, it's been a miserable, grueling, rotten couple of days. Capt. Major Charles Winchester: [Stands] Here you are, Pierce. B.J. Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? Col. Sherman Potter: [enters the Swamp, which is reeking of booze] This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous. Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, my dear man. That was, uh, for the younger crowd. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll stroll up to the front and see how the shooting's going! I bet - It had to be Burns. Freedom. Radar: Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. You sit back here, you're playing God. Capt. is seated in takes off] Now, what was all that, son? Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady. Schaeffer: Well, hang in there, Klinger! It's been used. Maj. Winchester: No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From the North Korean. Mother dying last year. Hawkeye: I broke under the pressure, warden. Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. [pause] In some ways, I don't mind that she's gone again. Here you go, now you say 'Got you Charles, ha ha ha' and the then you leave. Here's another two dollars. And rule number one is young men die. The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls is any of my blood! Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: A pencil? Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Cpl. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Going somewhere Charles? Because the true gift is in your head and in your heart and in your soul. Col. Potter: [meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink? Hunnicut: The guy the aorta came from. Where? Col. Sherman Potter: [to Hawkeye] Your behavior is incomprehensible. I mean, you know immediately if you've been successful. It was stolen from our CO. Capt. Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture? Even if you never do so again, you've already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Jesus ate with the lepers. B.J. 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You're so above average. Capt. Now listen carefully, this is an order. Hunnicut: Major Burns would give a drowning man a glass of water. Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak? Frank: Anyone caught with an intoxicating beverage will be severely disciplined. Radar: I think mine have started already, sir. Captain B.J. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex. What am I supposed to do with it, eat it or smoke it? Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane. Lots and lots of warm water. BJ: I do. Hawkeye: You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. [Snatches photos]. Father Mulcahy: For some time now, I've been comparing the disparity of our callings - Doctor versus priest. Dr. Randolph Kent: You assumed that only people of wealth and breeding have any taste or class. Hawkeye: Somebody - and it wasn't you or me - started this war. Just forget it. She's just a little baby. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Sincerity? You seek refuge in this house of the Lord when it serves your purpose. Tarola: Are you kidding? [referring to Margaret and Frank, after they had inadvertently help Hawkeye and Trapper]. Hawkeye: [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [sighs] Why fight it? Klinger: He'd kill for me. Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. [pause] It's me. Captain John McIntyre: I think I used to go steady with that tray. Tent's called the swamp. Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction. One more dollar, and we're even. [Hawkeye, Radar, and Klinger stares at him] I hear. Maj. Frank Burns: You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie. [Picks up a depressor] Trapper John goes. Hawkeye: Henry? B.J. Kelly? Come on. Summer is just six months away. Capt. Over and out. But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Hawkeye: [Frank explains half of the North Koreans have never seen a bathroom] They want bathrooms? Hawkeye: Right now, I'm thinking of bigger things. I'm tired *to* death. Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce? It must be extra tropical for you, toting around that permanent vicuna coat. Weight: 195 pounds. Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers. And she says, "Well for starters, you can call me Peg". Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea. Hawkeye: [Snapping his fingers] Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please? Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign? For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder. Major Charles Winchester: Play this comic opera elsewhere. Hawkeye: You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid. He didn't come through. B.J. We thought we'd make an album for you. Captain Phillip G. Sherman: We'll do the best we can. B.J. We're not at speaking terms. Hawkeye: [to BJ, after BJ runs into OR with the aortic graft] What took so long? Examined, diagnosed, and treated a total of five Kim Lucks, a new Kim Luck record I hope will stand for a long time. To Gianelli, who died in the war after that. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Salute it and get in! This hospital is in a hospital zone. [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises] Oh, blow it out your bugle! Hawkeye: Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner? B.J. I react. Col. Potter: No, it's the real McCoy. Lt. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, Sir. Could it be that you were a member of the rubber sheet brigade? Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: This morning there were tears on his pillow. Father Mulcahy: Don't I know it. Dr. Randolph Kent: Hardly one of Rubens's best works. Hawkeye: I'll just have the salad. Hawkeye: My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day! Charles is trying to find out what it was like] I really don't understand what you want. Captain B.J. Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes, of course. Col. Potter: I thought you said you didn't do it. I can't do that. I guess it's too late now. I'm gonna do MORE than that. I wonder if he saw Radar out there. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: ...My name's Walter. Overview. As a matter of fact, I was very good. If I should die before I before I wake, give them to my brother Jake.". Hawkeye: [preparing to give Frank a shot] Frank, for Christ sake, would you drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order! Maj. Frank Burns: These two aren't entitled to civility. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We like to send threatening underwear. I asked them to send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, but there aren't many foxes there - only lobster. Maj. Frank Burns: [to Margaret] I was biting you. That's a big kiss-off. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep! Hawkeye: No, that's not it. Capt. Col. Hollister: [at the end of a stern lecture to Father Mulcahy] Now I have to get back to my tent and drink my Milk of Magnesia and do three push-ups. Hawkeye: Over my dead body! Hawkeye: I almost forgot. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Klinger picks up a can] That's my midnight snack. They ferment it in the ground. Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper, drunk, is sitting at the piano at the O Club] Is something bothering you, Trapper? Hawkeye: You've written her three days in a row. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you. Charles: One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth... Captain B.J. Colonel Henry Blake: OK, gimme a beer. Major Franklin Marion Burns: And I will not partake in this unholy confluence. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Grinning] Well, that's the new army, Father. Major Charles Winchester: Because... uh... have it in a minute. How many orphans? Major Franklin Marion Burns: Radar is innocent until proven guilty. Hawkeye: I'm sorry. Captain B.J. Radar: [Drunk] Fifteen years! Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. [pauses] You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that? Hunnicut. Col. Sherman T. Potter: Don't you wanna to know the password son? No promises. [Father Mulcahy is administering last rites to an apparently dead soldier]. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hurt? Once known as Eskimos, the Inuit inhabit the Arctic region, one of the most forbidding territories on earth. Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far! Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. Igor Straminsky: This here's carrots and peas. And I thanked him. Hawkeye: Hurry up, Frank. Army Capt. Capt. Hawkeye: How would you like a spleen across the mouth? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On Bo Peep Airlines. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [glares at Frank] Umb-day! Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ahhh, Bach. Hawkeye: [speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch. [deals the next cards]. I should be out. Col. Potter: Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: And their sons. Capt. QUEENS VILLAGE COMMITTEE FOR MENTAL HEALTH FOR J-CAP, INC. RENAISSANCE DIAGNOSTIC & TREATMENT CENTER, RICHMOND CENTER FOR REHABILITATION AND SPECIALTY HEALTHCARE, RIDGEWOOD BUSHWICK SENIOR CITIZEN COUNCIL (RBSCC), RYAN/CHELSEA-CLINTON COMMUNITY HEALTH CENTER, SAINTS JOACHIM & ANNE NURSING REHABILITATION CENTER, SAYVILLE NURSING AND REHABILITATION CENTER, SEGUNDO RUIZ BELVIS DIAGNOSTIC & TREATMENT CENTER, SES OPERATING CORP. (HARLEM EAST LIFE PLAN), SHIELD OF DAVID, INC. (THE SHIELD INSTITUTE), SOUTH ASIAN COUNCL FOR SOCIAL SERVICES (SACSS), SPRING CREEK REHABILITATION AND NURSING CARE CENTER, ST. JOSEPH'S MEDICAL CENTER: RESIDENTIAL SERVICES AND OPIOID TREATMENT CENTERS. Maj. Frank Burns: Well... when you go off, you're going on! Lorraine has gorgeous legs since her varicose vein operation. Spending my insurance money? Capt. Trap? Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more! Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [to his hitchhike driver] Would you step on it? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Get a tie, no restaurant in town will be able to refuse you. I sat on his lap once. The shells were screaming and we were singing and toasting our friendship. Capt. Cpl. Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But why do we have to be in the middle? : She dumped me for a college boy. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How do you feel? Col. Potter: I once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardenne forest. Henry Blake: [cleaning his new oak desk] I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood this is. Capice? I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting. Capt. Sweeney: Oh that's good. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think I'll wait for the books to come out. Hawkeye, Captain John McIntyre: [In unison] To the Ritz Brothers! Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you. Capt. Hawkeye: Couldn't be better. Cheap glass, that's all that is. Hawkeye: Red... with blue satin lapels. I was no Henry Blake. Capt. Major Franklin Marion Burns: [Burns turns on the charm] Uh... Margaret, dear, why don't I bring over my can of Sterno, and we can have some hot totties and you can put on your new nighty. Maxwell Klinger: Lots of women are married. Hawkeye: And I'm the mannequin who came to dinner. Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: No lower than Sergeant - i need to keep up my mom's electrolysis payments! Capt. Like maybe Captain Pierce? What is it? Promise not to tell? Capt. Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Don't worry, you've got me here to keep things under control! Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that? That's liquor! Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened? I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! Capt. Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'd like to get back to the beach. Oh, foolish me. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good. They're not even here yet. 'Howitzer' Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me. Father Mulcahy: I'm the idiot who stuck you with those trays. Not like an aggie. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC?". Cpl. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Capt. I don't make house calls. 'Spearchucker' Jones: [shocked] Why not? Hawkeye: Clara Bow? That's what it's all about. I'm overdue at the 8063. [tells Hawkeye] Too fast. We gotta keep her on her feet so they don't twist. Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [trying to get an optometrist for Hawkeye] Now listen, you dumb clerk; this is General Walter O'Reilly, three stars and real mad: If Major Overman isn't here by the time they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast, I'll have you digging a latrine for every GI in Korea! Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can. We're doctors. Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major. What if there's a tie? Hunnicut: Don't you hate it when he's right? What's the password? She killed it! Col. Sherman T. Potter: [studying an x-ray] This protruding bone. Yeah, that's right, sir. Col. Potter: [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. A movie! Major Charles Winchester: Concerning what? Pvt. [Gets out of bed, walks over to Hawkeye, picks up his book and tears off the last few pages and back cover, then hands it back to him] You are now at the end of your book. Capt. Capt. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman. Hawkeye: Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas. I couldn't even think it. Oh, boy! Trapper: And don't get in bed with that gun. Cpl. : Not getting drunk and landing in jail. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else. Hawkeye: There. Major Franklin Marion Burns: You two are going to pay for this! You've just been promoted from patient to doctor. Hawkeye: Yeah, if we had more men like you, we'd have less men like you. You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. Maj. Frank Burns: Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? Pvt. Capt. Captain Phillip G. Sherman: I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation. Captain B.J. Major Franklin Marion Burns: If I had two fevers I could give you change for a ten. Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Hawkeye: Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg. Capt. : [miffed by a competing crazy in camp] The only thing I don't understand is why he's not an officer. [to second Korean soldier] You will be squad leader. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home. Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? Capt. Cpl./Sgt. You can't! My buddies and I laid low in an old French chateau. I've devoted my life to it, and now, how am I supposed to do it?
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